Basically this blog is about what's gone on in my life for the past five years. Those of you who read my blog know what has happened throughout these years, because you were there or you heard about it, but I guarantee that you know much at all about how I was actually feeling.
Now, please don't take this as me reeling for attention, pity, or help of any kind. This is about my more recent past and how it has turned me into who I am. It's really more for encouragement and inspiration and I think I've really needed to open myself up rather than just avoiding talking about my life at all with people. I'm really quite nervous as I'm typing this, actually, as I've spent the past three years keeping to myself other than speaking with my parents or brother.
In middle school, I was the awkward kid. I went to a co-op "school" two days a week with my closest friends that I grew up with in church. I wasn't used to being in a classroom setting, I was going through emotional and physical changes that I didn't quite understand, and my friends and I started growing apart really quickly, and that made me really sad. So like I said, I was super awkward. I felt like I didn't really have any friends that I really connected with anymore. My grades were dropping from A's and B's to C's and D's and there came a point where my Science teacher pulled me aside after class in eighth grade and asked me what was going on, but I couldn't explain it. I wanted to tell her how I felt so lonely and stupid and fat and ugly and overall a loser. I wanted to just cry and run away and just keep going until I passed out and someone would find me and just make me feel...okay. So I looked at her and said, "I don't know. I'll try and do better, I promise." I didn't.
I hated my school. I hated everything about it. I hated being the only one who didn't have plans with friends after school, I hated feeling stupid for nearly failing all of my classes and not making up for it because I felt like I was too stupid to. I hid my report cards and lied to my mom because at the time, my mom was so stressed out because she worked full time that she would take out her frustrations by yelling at my brother and I about school, which made us do worse and it's not like we were all that academically advanced as it was. Anyway, I hated school, I hated being home, going to church on Wednesday nights terrified me and I didn't know what to do with myself.
In the midst of my sadness, I still went to church with my family and was at the age of having to go to youth group with my brother and all of the other teenagers. My brother is five years older than me, but I managed to meet his friends that I hadn't watched him grow up with, and I met this girl about his age who was really super nice and was like a big sister to me, and that made me happy! She was friends with some of the other girls I already knew from church, but never really talked to, and they let me hang out with them, even though I was so much younger than them and that made me feel loved! I do feel bad now, looking back, at the hours upon hours that I complained to this poor girl about my life. I was in such a pity party and needing to talk to someone, that I forgot to just have fun and to actually be fun to be around. She taught me a lot. She showed me kindness and friendship when I really needed it and that it was okay to be sad sometimes but that there were so many things in life to be happy about and that sitting there and sulking wasn't going to make the problems go away. As I said, she was (is) five years older than me, so she graduated high school a few years back and became super busy so we stopped talking much, or rather not much at all, but I'm still super duper thankful for all the wonderful things she did for me back in the day! She was one of the most influential people in my life and I'm super glad for it!
In eighth grade there was this boy that I had grown up with, (but never really paid attention to until that year) who I became best friends with. We talked every day and I fell head-over-heals for him. The summer before I started high school, my heart got broken and he disappeared from my life for a while and I was sad again. I was depressed for the entire month of August. Nobody really understood it, except for a few, and I don't blame them for expecting me to snap out of it sooner, but they didn't know about all the other stuff I had gone through that didn't seem like real issues, but were BIG deals to me.
So by the time high school rolled around, things were changing, but for the better this time! My mom and I began to develop a real relationship and now I can talk to her about anything, I became best friends with a girl I had known since forever but finally clicked with, I started taking karate and gaining more confidence in myself, I grew closer to God, and overall I was just happy. I was SO happy.
When Sophomore year came around, I started back-pedaling. I was loosing faith in God. I had some family drama happen and it made me bitter. Or rather, I used it as an excuse to be bitter. I got into some sinful things that I tried to justify, but in my heart I knew that what I was doing was disgusting and by no means glorifying to God. I was depressed and I didn't know why. I wasn't doing well in school again either. I used my family drama as an excuse to be bitter as well as seeing that I was picked on more than I realized as a kid by my friends and turning that into bitterness. I was angry at my friends who graduated for not talking to me anymore and I felt too...dirty I suppose, to fit in with the other girls my age, because I basically saw them as perfect and innocent and myself as a dirty, fake Christian. I was so in love with the world as it poisoned me and enveloped me in it's shadows. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night and I didn't know how to get back to God or if He would even want to have anything to do with me anymore because I abandoned Him! I abandoned the ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T ABANDON ME IN ANY WAY!
I bet you're reading this and you're shocked because you had no idea. I never told anyone want was actually going on with me that year. I was honestly the most fake Christian I had I ever met and first of all I'm sorry to my Savior for treating Him like that and second to all of the people I put up a front with.
So during the summer after my Sophomore year, I was working my second year as an intern at a elementary school summer camp and I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to go to the last Resolved conference with the college group and some other high school students. I sat through about eleven full sermons from some of the best pastors and listened as intently as I could. I even took notes for the first time! I thought that going there would radically change me and that I would miraculously be that wonderfully happy-go-lucky real Christian girl that I was before, but no cigar. I learned a lot and it really did mean a lot to me, but I still wasn't truly happy.
About a month or two ago, I found a book that I bought at Resolved by John Piper called "When I Don't Desire God: How To Fight For Joy" I kept telling myself that I would read it, but I hadn't touched it since I first bought it. I started reading my Bible every morning when I woke up, I started praying more sincerely, and reading this John Piper book, and I was finally taking my walk with Christ seriously again. I realized that I had no reason to be angry and bitter at these people with lives and problems of their own and that it was my choice whether or not to be happy. I chose not to be happy before by losing myself in the void of my sin. I was swimming in filth and refusing to take a bath when what I needed was to be intensely decontaminated. I when I finally stopped fighting God, it was like having new eyes and a new heart. I had new life breathed into me, rather than inhaling recycled toxins. I cared about more than myself. I finally see now that my God is greater than anything this world has to offer. He is greater than any sin I commit and He so evidently proves it by covering each of them.
Now: I'm more than okay now. I see that I was the one who needed to change. I need to continue filling myself with the truth and remember that I'm only living in the world for a little while, and just because I'm in the world doesn't mean I'm of the world. I need to live my life for the One Who gave it to me while I wait for His return.
No matter what I went through, or what I will go through, I know that my Savior will always be there, even when He feels far away. I will fight for joy. I will live for my God. I will be more than fine.
Thanks for listening.
Now, please don't take this as me reeling for attention, pity, or help of any kind. This is about my more recent past and how it has turned me into who I am. It's really more for encouragement and inspiration and I think I've really needed to open myself up rather than just avoiding talking about my life at all with people. I'm really quite nervous as I'm typing this, actually, as I've spent the past three years keeping to myself other than speaking with my parents or brother.
In middle school, I was the awkward kid. I went to a co-op "school" two days a week with my closest friends that I grew up with in church. I wasn't used to being in a classroom setting, I was going through emotional and physical changes that I didn't quite understand, and my friends and I started growing apart really quickly, and that made me really sad. So like I said, I was super awkward. I felt like I didn't really have any friends that I really connected with anymore. My grades were dropping from A's and B's to C's and D's and there came a point where my Science teacher pulled me aside after class in eighth grade and asked me what was going on, but I couldn't explain it. I wanted to tell her how I felt so lonely and stupid and fat and ugly and overall a loser. I wanted to just cry and run away and just keep going until I passed out and someone would find me and just make me feel...okay. So I looked at her and said, "I don't know. I'll try and do better, I promise." I didn't.
I hated my school. I hated everything about it. I hated being the only one who didn't have plans with friends after school, I hated feeling stupid for nearly failing all of my classes and not making up for it because I felt like I was too stupid to. I hid my report cards and lied to my mom because at the time, my mom was so stressed out because she worked full time that she would take out her frustrations by yelling at my brother and I about school, which made us do worse and it's not like we were all that academically advanced as it was. Anyway, I hated school, I hated being home, going to church on Wednesday nights terrified me and I didn't know what to do with myself.
In the midst of my sadness, I still went to church with my family and was at the age of having to go to youth group with my brother and all of the other teenagers. My brother is five years older than me, but I managed to meet his friends that I hadn't watched him grow up with, and I met this girl about his age who was really super nice and was like a big sister to me, and that made me happy! She was friends with some of the other girls I already knew from church, but never really talked to, and they let me hang out with them, even though I was so much younger than them and that made me feel loved! I do feel bad now, looking back, at the hours upon hours that I complained to this poor girl about my life. I was in such a pity party and needing to talk to someone, that I forgot to just have fun and to actually be fun to be around. She taught me a lot. She showed me kindness and friendship when I really needed it and that it was okay to be sad sometimes but that there were so many things in life to be happy about and that sitting there and sulking wasn't going to make the problems go away. As I said, she was (is) five years older than me, so she graduated high school a few years back and became super busy so we stopped talking much, or rather not much at all, but I'm still super duper thankful for all the wonderful things she did for me back in the day! She was one of the most influential people in my life and I'm super glad for it!
In eighth grade there was this boy that I had grown up with, (but never really paid attention to until that year) who I became best friends with. We talked every day and I fell head-over-heals for him. The summer before I started high school, my heart got broken and he disappeared from my life for a while and I was sad again. I was depressed for the entire month of August. Nobody really understood it, except for a few, and I don't blame them for expecting me to snap out of it sooner, but they didn't know about all the other stuff I had gone through that didn't seem like real issues, but were BIG deals to me.
So by the time high school rolled around, things were changing, but for the better this time! My mom and I began to develop a real relationship and now I can talk to her about anything, I became best friends with a girl I had known since forever but finally clicked with, I started taking karate and gaining more confidence in myself, I grew closer to God, and overall I was just happy. I was SO happy.
When Sophomore year came around, I started back-pedaling. I was loosing faith in God. I had some family drama happen and it made me bitter. Or rather, I used it as an excuse to be bitter. I got into some sinful things that I tried to justify, but in my heart I knew that what I was doing was disgusting and by no means glorifying to God. I was depressed and I didn't know why. I wasn't doing well in school again either. I used my family drama as an excuse to be bitter as well as seeing that I was picked on more than I realized as a kid by my friends and turning that into bitterness. I was angry at my friends who graduated for not talking to me anymore and I felt too...dirty I suppose, to fit in with the other girls my age, because I basically saw them as perfect and innocent and myself as a dirty, fake Christian. I was so in love with the world as it poisoned me and enveloped me in it's shadows. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night and I didn't know how to get back to God or if He would even want to have anything to do with me anymore because I abandoned Him! I abandoned the ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T ABANDON ME IN ANY WAY!
I bet you're reading this and you're shocked because you had no idea. I never told anyone want was actually going on with me that year. I was honestly the most fake Christian I had I ever met and first of all I'm sorry to my Savior for treating Him like that and second to all of the people I put up a front with.
So during the summer after my Sophomore year, I was working my second year as an intern at a elementary school summer camp and I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to go to the last Resolved conference with the college group and some other high school students. I sat through about eleven full sermons from some of the best pastors and listened as intently as I could. I even took notes for the first time! I thought that going there would radically change me and that I would miraculously be that wonderfully happy-go-lucky real Christian girl that I was before, but no cigar. I learned a lot and it really did mean a lot to me, but I still wasn't truly happy.
About a month or two ago, I found a book that I bought at Resolved by John Piper called "When I Don't Desire God: How To Fight For Joy" I kept telling myself that I would read it, but I hadn't touched it since I first bought it. I started reading my Bible every morning when I woke up, I started praying more sincerely, and reading this John Piper book, and I was finally taking my walk with Christ seriously again. I realized that I had no reason to be angry and bitter at these people with lives and problems of their own and that it was my choice whether or not to be happy. I chose not to be happy before by losing myself in the void of my sin. I was swimming in filth and refusing to take a bath when what I needed was to be intensely decontaminated. I when I finally stopped fighting God, it was like having new eyes and a new heart. I had new life breathed into me, rather than inhaling recycled toxins. I cared about more than myself. I finally see now that my God is greater than anything this world has to offer. He is greater than any sin I commit and He so evidently proves it by covering each of them.
Now: I'm more than okay now. I see that I was the one who needed to change. I need to continue filling myself with the truth and remember that I'm only living in the world for a little while, and just because I'm in the world doesn't mean I'm of the world. I need to live my life for the One Who gave it to me while I wait for His return.
No matter what I went through, or what I will go through, I know that my Savior will always be there, even when He feels far away. I will fight for joy. I will live for my God. I will be more than fine.
Thanks for listening.
