A Little Deeper

     Basically this blog is about what's gone on in my life for the past five years. Those of you who read my blog know what has happened throughout these years, because you were there or you heard about it, but I guarantee that you know much at all about how I was actually feeling.

    Now, please don't take this as me reeling for attention, pity, or help of any kind. This is about my more recent past and how it has turned me into who I am. It's really more for encouragement and inspiration and I think I've really needed to open myself up rather than just avoiding talking about my life at all with people. I'm really quite nervous as I'm typing this, actually, as I've spent the past three years keeping to myself other than speaking with my parents or brother.

     In middle school, I was the awkward kid. I went to a co-op "school" two days a week with my closest friends that I grew up with in church. I wasn't used to being in a classroom setting, I was going through emotional and physical changes that I didn't quite understand, and my friends and I started growing apart really quickly, and that made me really sad. So like I said, I was super awkward. I felt like I didn't really have any friends that I really connected with anymore. My grades were dropping from A's and B's to C's and D's and there came a point where my Science teacher pulled me aside after class in eighth grade and asked me what was going on, but I couldn't explain it. I wanted to tell her how I felt so lonely and stupid and fat and ugly and overall a loser. I wanted to just cry and run away and just keep going until I passed out and someone would find me and just make me feel...okay. So I looked at her and said, "I don't know. I'll try and do better, I promise." I didn't.
     I hated my school. I hated everything about it. I hated being the only one who didn't have plans with friends after school, I hated feeling stupid for nearly failing all of my classes and not making up for it because I felt like I was too stupid to. I hid my report cards and lied to my mom because at the time, my mom was so stressed out because she worked full time that she would take out her frustrations by yelling at my brother and I about school, which made us do worse and it's not like we were all that academically advanced as it was. Anyway, I hated school, I hated being home, going to church on Wednesday nights terrified me and I didn't know what to do with myself.
     In the midst of my sadness, I still went to church with my family and was at the age of having to go to youth group with my brother and all of the other teenagers. My brother is five years older than me, but I managed to meet his friends that I hadn't watched him grow up with, and I met this girl about his age who was really super nice and was like a big sister to me, and that made me happy! She was friends with some of the other girls I already knew from church, but never really talked to, and they let me hang out with them, even though I was so much younger than them and that made me feel loved! I do feel bad now, looking back, at the hours upon hours that I complained to this poor girl about my life. I was in such a pity party and needing to talk to someone, that I forgot to just have fun and to actually be fun to be around. She taught me a lot. She showed me kindness and friendship when I really needed it and that it was okay to be sad sometimes but that there were so many things in life to be happy about and that sitting there and sulking wasn't going to make the problems go away. As I said, she was (is) five years older than me, so she graduated high school a few years back and became super busy so we stopped talking much, or rather not much at all, but I'm still super duper thankful for all the wonderful things she did for me back in the day! She was one of the most influential people in my life and I'm super glad for it!
   
     In eighth grade there was this boy that I had grown up with, (but never really paid attention to until that year) who I became best friends with. We talked every day and I fell head-over-heals for him. The summer before I started high school, my heart got broken and he disappeared from my life for a while and I was sad again. I was depressed for the entire month of August. Nobody really understood it, except for a few, and I don't blame them for expecting me to snap out of it sooner, but they didn't know about all the other stuff I had gone through that didn't seem like real issues, but were BIG deals to me.
     So by the time high school rolled around, things were changing, but for the better this time! My mom and I began to develop a real relationship and now I can talk to her about anything, I became best friends with a girl I had known since forever but finally clicked with, I started taking karate and gaining more confidence in myself, I grew closer to God, and overall I was just happy. I was SO happy.

     When Sophomore year came around, I started back-pedaling. I was loosing faith in God. I had some family drama happen and it made me bitter. Or rather, I used it as an excuse to be bitter. I got into some sinful things that I tried to justify, but in my heart I knew that what I was doing was disgusting and by no means glorifying to God. I was depressed and I didn't know why. I wasn't doing well in school again either. I used my family drama as an excuse to be bitter as well as seeing that I was picked on more than I realized as a kid by my friends and turning that into bitterness. I was angry at my friends who graduated for not talking to me anymore and I felt too...dirty I suppose, to fit in with the other girls my age, because I basically saw them as perfect and innocent and myself as a dirty, fake Christian. I was so in love with the world as it poisoned me and enveloped me in it's shadows. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night and I didn't know how to get back to God or if He would even want to have anything to do with me anymore because I abandoned Him! I abandoned the ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T ABANDON ME IN ANY WAY!
     I bet you're reading this and you're shocked because you had no idea. I never told anyone want was actually going on with me that year. I was honestly the most fake Christian I had I ever met and first of all I'm sorry to my Savior for treating Him like that and second to all of the people I put up a front with.
    So during the summer after my Sophomore year, I was working my second year as an intern at a elementary school summer camp and I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to go to the last Resolved conference with the college group and some other high school students. I sat through about eleven full sermons from some of the best pastors and listened as intently as I could. I even took notes for the first time! I thought that going there would radically change me and that I would miraculously be that wonderfully happy-go-lucky real Christian girl that I was before, but no cigar. I learned a lot and it really did mean a lot to me, but I still wasn't truly happy.
     About a month or two ago, I found a book that I bought at Resolved by John Piper called "When I Don't Desire God: How To Fight For Joy" I kept telling myself that I would read it, but I hadn't touched it since I first bought it. I started reading my Bible every morning when I woke up, I started praying more sincerely, and reading this John Piper book, and I was finally taking my walk with Christ seriously again. I realized that I had no reason to be angry and bitter at these people with lives and problems of their own and that it was my choice whether or not to be happy. I chose not to be happy before by losing myself in the void of my sin. I was swimming in filth and refusing to take a bath when what I needed was to be intensely decontaminated. I when I finally stopped fighting God, it was like having new eyes and a new heart. I had new life breathed into me, rather than inhaling recycled toxins. I cared about more than myself. I finally see now that my God is greater than anything this world has to offer. He is greater than any sin I commit and He so evidently proves it by covering each of them.

     Now: I'm more than okay now. I see that I was the one who needed to change. I need to continue filling myself with the truth and remember that I'm only living in the world for a little while, and just because I'm in the world doesn't mean I'm of the world. I need to live my life for the One Who gave it to me while I wait for His return.

     No matter what I went through, or what I will go through, I know that my Savior will always be there, even when He feels far away. I will fight for joy. I will live for my God. I will be more than fine.

Thanks for listening.

Random Blather: I Collect Garbage #NoHobo

Growing up and being in different art classes and doing crafts and stuff with my grandma and so on, there was always something you could make out of an empty milk gallon, but then when I got older, we would just throw them out and I always felt kind of guilty about it, like "I'm sure I could still make SOMETHING out of this..." and then Pinterest came along and was like, "It okay, bro, you still can. There's like a million options that you never thought of. Let me show you." And then I'm like, "Aw yeah, buddy! This is cool!" And then I save random trash items for said "options" and never do anything with them. I just end up collecting garbage in hopes of some type of creativity flow.




What.

Hope. (Please read the whole thing)

Ever notice how we hardly think before we say things? I have a request of all of you out there reading this. Even of myself.
Everyone needs to stop.
Stop being angry. Stop hating.

Stop hating God,
Stop hating your parents,
Stop hating your siblings,
Stop hating your family,
Stop hating your peers,
Stop hating your teachers,
Stop hating kids,
Stop hating adults,
Stop hating gay people,
Stop hating straight people,
Stop hating people of different ethnicity,
Stop hating other sinners,
JUST STOP.

We're supposed to LOVE one another. Not hate. We hate. We're sinful, and we hate. When other people sin, we get angry at them. We hate them, because of what they did. We shouldn't hate the sinner, we should hate the sin!

The horrible massacre in Connecticut? That sinful man who murdered all of those people? We're just as sinful as him. No really. Our sin is just as bad.
Do you hate him? Are you angry at him? Anger is hate, by the way.
He committed murder and suicide out of hate.
And do you hate him for it?
If you do, you're hating the person because he is evil.
But guess what, guys? You're evil too. You were born in sin. You sin constantly. Just like him. Anger is equal to hate and hate is equal to murder. So if you hate him you are murdering him in your heart.
Did he deserve to die for his sin? Absolutely. But so do we.
We will continue to sin every day until we die. The only suitable punishment is death. But, there is another option, if you're willing to accept it.

Maybe you've heard about Jesus Christ, maybe not.
Maybe you've grown up hearing it, and chose not to believe it.
Maybe it's because there is so much hate in the world and you're thinking, "If this God is a loving God, then where is He? Why doesn't this Savior, save us?"

I'll tell you why, and don't you dare stop reading because you think I'm being stupid. Because it's too far-fetched, at least I have faith in Something hopeful!

Our Savior has already come! He took every bad thing, big and small, took every murder, every rape, every lie, every hateful thing said to others and said to and about Him, every single sin upon Himself. He took the blame. He took the only acceptable punishment for us. For you. Because He does love you. He's the only One capable of loving everyone unconditionally.

Do you think that's stupid? Or that it's a nice thought, but impossible? That's living without hope. What an awful way to live. There's no point in living without hope. You wouldn't be alive without hope. People who feel hopeless stop living, whether physically or mentally. So why are you still alive, reading this? What has given you hope to live on? Your family? Your friends? That's nice, but they can't love you without being angry once in a while. I'm sure they do love you, but not every second of every minute of every hour of every day. And that would be wonderful, but they can't because they're too sinful, and so are you, and frankly, so am I.
That hope isn't enough and you know it! Don't you want a bigger hope? A greater love? One that is sufficient, because you know you can never feel loved enough by people? God can and will give it to you, but you need to let Him, and you need to give it back to Him. How would you like it if you loved your father or mother or anyone who cares about you and them not love you back? God will always love those who love Him. But at the end of your life, when you see Him face to face, and you realize that you never loved Him, why should He continue to show love to you and let you reign with Him forever? Sin is not allowed in Heaven. Heaven is perfect and holy because that is where God dwells. God hates sin.

Maybe at this point you are considering all of the things I'm saying, but maybe you're thinking, if God loves His son, Jesus, but hates sin why would he place every sin ever done and that would ever be done, on Him? He did it because He loves us too. The One and Only perfect man and God died for our sins so we didn't have to. So we could live on with God and when our earthly bodies pass, we could still live on and never commit another evil thing ever again.

So what do we do now?
We acknowledge that we have done so many incredibly hateful things, and ask for forgiveness.
Have you ever done that? I mean, you've already been forgiven. All you need to do is accept it. It'll get better then. It'll all end once you're with Him. Justice will be served at the end of this earth. That's a promise. A promise from God Himself. So stop hating and start loving, please.

-Another messenger.

My Thoughts On The Election And Other News

Oh hey.

Politics? Should I even bother? I'm going to break down my thoughts on the presidential election. (I will accept no negativity from any of you. There's too much of that in the world as it is.

Political thoughts:

Obama won.
I don't really care.
If Romney won, I still might not care except for the interesting fact that it'd be something new, but alas.
I'm not old enough to vote,
BUT  
That doesn't mean I'm too young to understand politics.
Seriously, my age has nothing to do with it.
I don't know much about politics, granted, but I'm sure that there are PLENTY of people my age who do.
When I can vote, I will vote and support who I deem appropriate, and if that person doesn't win, whatever.

Now I know what you're thinking,
Meg, what do you mean whatever? Wouldn't you be upset?

And yeah, sure I'd be a bit disappointed, but I'm not going to go cry about it.
I'm not going to complain about something I have no control over.
God put each president in office for reasons that we won't be able to understand, but when has God ever not been in control?
For those of you who are Christians, shame on you for doubting His Sovereignty!
We need to lower our prideful thinking of how everything that does not go our way will end in catastrophe.
ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD.
Right? Right.
That's all that needs to be said.

In other news:
My aunt is in the hospital and she is very sick. We don't know exactly what's wrong with her, and the doctors aren't entirely sure themselves. Again, God is in control of the situation. Prayers are much appreciated. (That's really the heaviest thing on my heart at the moment, not the election.)

Blessings to you all and have a wonderful life.

-Meg

5 Year Bucket List

Here's a bucket list of things I want to try to do before I turn 21 (in no particular order):

1. Go on a picnic for a date

2. Come out with an EP of songs that I've written

3. Write a book

4. Go to Ireland

5. Learn to speak another language. (Either Dutch, German, Japanese)

6. Be a part of a red carpet event

7. Go on a road trip with friends

8.  Throw a party that isn't boring

9. Model (conservative) clothes for a clothing store

10. Travel with a journal and my favorite guitar


And these are just some of the things I can think of off of the top of my head.

Well aren't you lucky that I posted two back to back blogs. ;)

Meg